Log in

No account? Create an account

Happy Birthday!!

harmfulguy Hope your day is as awesome as you are!! See you at Conflation!

So Tired

I have been feeling so tired all day and night. I have been sleeping way too much. All this due to a new med I have been put on. Oy. Trying to deal with med changes is tough. But now I find out I will no longer have medicaid. That is TOTAL suckage. But on the good news SSI has contacted my layer to set a hearing date FINALLY. There is only one problem, someone else has listed herself as my non legal representative. Well crap. Now she has to be contacted and then she has to requse herself before my real lawyer can set the date. This person was the person who helped me fill out the paperwork in the first place at the hospital over a year ago. *sigh* But at least when that is done my lawyer can set a hearing date. If all goes well then I will be on SSI.

I will be trying once again to update regularly. I offer no promises but a sincere effort will be made to blog about my life so that you fair (or not so fair) readers can know whats going on in my life as well.

We are starting with this weekend at Archon!!!!!! I had my room booked on line the day after Archon last year. But t6hatwhen i had a wonderful full time job. I lost this nice full time just bust after getting the room or some how making it work with roomies or what not. Unfortunately a unforeseen trip to the hospital for nearly 2 weeks put me very short on cash and have no sick days. So I, fearing the worst, found a wonderful man who allowed me to stay in his room and also my 12 year old to stay in the room as well. AMD this wonderful man bought my badge for me. MUCH LOVE!!!

we went to some panels both together and seperatly which was nice. Went to SPArchon and had a great time taking skin care and dolls!

Went to the dance... Damn I'm getting OLD!

Saturday was much the same stuff but Raven joined He and I we watched the masquerade. Minions were to be next!!! I took young one and I to the meeting place and everyone changed. I was offered a spot in all this good giggly fun. It seemed young one was entirely to tired and needed to sleep and went to bed soon after we started. It had been a long day and an exciting convention and was around 6 hours past her usual bed time. So she left our group and the group hit the con! We were so well received I was amazed. Holy Crap that was FUN!!!!!

Tried to go to bed afterward but got held up by finding old friends to chat with. The after I finally make it back to the room, my man (who had had a bad cough leftover from being sick) was suddenly worse and I needed to take a trip to Walgreen's for cough syrup. Got that and some breakfast and crashed... hard...

Sunday costumers guild meeting with a dollie get together next door... grrrr.......

Said goodbyes to people I probably wont see until next con and went for breakfast.

By the was I love how this happened:
Me, My Boyfriend, My EX-husband and my daughter all sat down and ate McDonnalds together. And it was awesome. I love how comfortable they are together. Way to go guys!! This is why you remain in my life. Or I should say why you happily remain in my life.

So right now I am in decompress from a con mode.....

Oh and there was a dolly pannel on Saturday too that was awesome. Lots of good information shared! Next year I will have my dolly carrier done so I can bring my dolly safely.

Now bed calls my name.... and I'm having a hard time ignoring it.

Back from the hospital

Well, I am back from the hospital and on 2 new meds. Dropped one that was giving me bad side affects (manic) replaced it with one that gives different side affects (muscle spasms) and finally replaced that with 1 med for side affects and one for bi polar. I have been wanting to be back on this one and now it looks as though I will loose medicaid and all my psychiatric meds because I cant afford them. GRRRR!! I am loosing medicaid because I make more than $250.00 per month. You read that right $250.00 per month. It seems I am falling through the medical crack of no insurance AGAIN! This shit really pisses me off and I wish the lard asses in our government would get off those asses and think of someone else. But that is still years away. Until then I try to get the clinic I go to to give me a reference to a psych I can afford. Then I will be covered under their script plan. I have an appointment on Monday I will have to check then.

So I was manic, now I am mildly depressed. Well its better than being very depressed anyway. I am so depressed that I am thinking of not going to Archon. Ok maybe not so mildly after all.

On a good note, (sort of), the SSI people called my lawyer about setting a court date. But the lady at the hospital signed the paperwork as my non legal rep. So now we have to track her down and get her to requse herself so my lawyer can set the court date. More drama. God I hate drama.

Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here

Why? Because I have and that is what this post it going to be mostly about. Me being hopeless and depressed. For the 3 other people who read this this post will be about me and how now that the manic phase is passing (is it?) I am not looking forward to the crash ahead. Because that is what happens after a high and the higher the high the harder the fall. I have gotten more done in the last 2 weeks than I have in the 2 years. No really… I was looking forward to riding the wave of manic through at least Archon, but alas I feel the impending fall already. My mind is turning against me as I type. The tears fall freely. Why is this so damn hard to get ahold of? Why the hell cant my Dr. just put me on the right medicine? Why does my mind always have to be against me? This damn disease has cost me more than I am willing to ever loose. I have lost countless friends, countless SO’s, countless jobs, and just plain countless. For you who are reading this who are in the know of my ways, rest assured I am not intending to harm myself… yet. I have made several promises to my children that I will never do that again. Damn it… So what option do I have left? Get better you say… I laugh, and I laugh hard. I am 40 soon to be 41 and have been in the psychiatric system for over 20 years. I have never been free of this misery and I doubt I ever will. The closest I came was when I had the ECT’s. But due to the memory loss, money and transportation issues that is not an option. I think of all those things the memory issue is the killer of the issue, the other two can be worked around. I already don’t remember Raven’s birth. I can no longer with any certainty say I haven’t seen or been to something or somewhere. I don’t know I might have and have been proven wrong in the past that yes indeed I did. I would hate to loose the last years I have with my mom… but then again I would. My councilor tells me it is unhealthy for me to be living with my mother. He tells me it is only making me worse. But what choice do I have? And just when I was getting some hope back it all comes crashing down tonight. What did it you ask? My sewing machine is not working. Yes something that simple. But its not just the machine but the following thought process that does it. One thought leads to the next and the next thing you know I’m crying and thinking of suicide. If it weren’t for all the damn pain… And life is nothing but pain for me. I don’t want to die… I just want all the damn pain to stop! If dying accomplishes this then that’s what I want. Wow, maybe I will have to take myself to the hospital tonight. I’m all packed. Did that a month or two ago. Just a few things to add to the bag and I’m all set to go. I will need a ride though. Hmmm… Sigh, I hate life. I hate MY life. Going to go to the hospital now.

Too many commercials

Now lj is putting commercials on my lj. Huh... ok well no more lj then.

I dont sit through commercials on TV or the radio, I change the station or turn it off. Why would I sit through them on my lj. Too bad.


In my last post I mentioned the beginnings of my getting over water. I believe I have overcome some boundaries and made quite a few steps in the right direction.

I have joined a gym and due to the heel spurs cant walk the treadmill like I used to for my cardio. So I found another route... swimming. Yes swimming. I did only 2 laps and was spent. I went another after resting and then hit the spa. They call it a spa, I call it a huge hot tub for 18 with a waterfall. Ohhhh the waterfall feels sooooo nice. :D

Now I have been excited to get to the gym and get into the WATER!!! Yay me!!

The last weekend with the daughter went really well. No big fights. So another huge step made there.

I have a Dr (read shrink) appointment set for December 14th, and will so will be well on my way to getting my meds straightened out. I find I have been well out of my head space for a while now and that my meds just arent cutting it. I have had violent mood swings, not just the regular swings I have had, but severely violent ones. I am on the list for a counselor as well. They say 6-8 weeks on that. I think it will be longer because I need to see one that has night time appointments. But 6 weeks is up in December so hopefully by the new year I will have a counselor too.

Due to the mood swings I have been trying to keep more to myself more. I am now trying to get back out. I went to Amtgard last weekend and had fun. I will be going again not this weekend but next. I feel like I may be finally coming out of my funk. Not fully, but enough I am willing to venture out into the world of the living again. Some say that it isnt good to pull away from people when your not doing well, but when I dont I loose friends. Sucks but its true. I am just hard to deal with when in full swing mode.

Wow I think I'm all talked out for now. LOL

Lessons of Life

I have not posted here for several... hmmm... months it seems. I have never been good with writing in journals and most of what I would do would be private. Not to mention my memory is not good at its best.


There are many things which have happened in the last few months which have shaped what is to come for me. Life changing events and things which have changed my plans for the future.

I have come to terms with my ex-husband having a new love in his life. This was very difficult for me as we had been together for over 15 years on and off. So I am learning where his place is in my life now. We are still friends which is great for our daughter, but the hardest thing for me was that he has someone else in his life now. Now I had no intention of ever getting back together with him, so this was a non issue. The issue was that he was able to have someone in his life, and I was very jealous because I had no one in mine. So yes I was jealous, but for different reasons than one might think. So I instantly hated this woman.

In the last few months I have sat down and talked with her and darn it, she is wonderful. I like her very much. Damn... LOL. Now I have to put things into new categories. I have wrapped my head around the fact that I was indeed jealous of him having a new love in his life and why. Then I found I was very happy for him. Damn.... I can no longer hold resentment towards him OR her. Damn... She is too wonderful and I love him enough that I want to see him happy and she makes him VERY happy. Cool!! Holy crap... I have moved on. Yay me!!! But I am still alone. Hmmm... This is good, but I still dont like it.

I need to be alone for right now. I dont want to, but I believe the universe is telling me that it is what I need. I need to work on me and be better before I can share me with anyone other than my daughter. KK... noted, but still not liked.

When I decided to come back to St. Louis it was because I found quite a few of my old friends from years ago would like for me to come back and that I would have a network of friends I could get reacquainted with. COOL!! This made coming back possible. Now I have found that some of my old friendships are not good for me as they were. We are now very different people and to attempt a close relationship would not be beneficial for either of us. Not that I dont want to be friends, but that a close friendship (you know bff) would not work. So I have wrapped my head around this fact and am moving on. I have very clear directions I want to go and they are very different from theirs. So maintain friendship, and be happy with occasional chats and time spent together. K can do.

Directions I want to go in my life. Wow these have changed radically.

While I still want to build my company, it is no longer my priority. Right now the priority is getting my GED, which I am very close to doing, so that I can go back to school. I HAVE FOUND WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. I have struggled with this for YEARS. Always flip flopping one way or another never really having a clear direction I wanted to go. Well in a wonderful conversation with a new friend (yes the ex's love of his life) I have found out that there is a degree in Cosume Design!!! And that by going to Webster for said degree that it might be possible to intern with the Rep theater as Webster is where they get their interns. WOW!!! I have found my calling!!! This is my new goal. This will also help me in one day putting my company into full swing. LATER.

Another new direction for me, which is an old one lost. Costuming. Now I never really did give it up, but I was long out of the circles of Sci-Fi conventions and so costuming for such was lost to me for a while. I have found it again and am running with it. I have so many new ideas I dont know where to start. And no I wont tell you my ideas. You will have to see them when completed. LOL.

More new things I have wrapped my head around. Water. When I was very young up until age 12 I LOVED water. Then a traumatic event in my life happened around water involving my father. This affected me terribly. I was told it was Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome by my Dr. This affected not only swimming, but getting in hot tubs, and even showering. I had to MAKE myself do these things. I enjoyed them immensely after I forced myself to get in, but it never lessened my dislike at first. Well I have decided to take back the power my father took over my enjoyment of water related activities. I now have that power back and will attempt to maintain it. He had that power for far too long. It is time and if I am to heal I need to claim ownership of that power. There are many ways I will be doing this, like meditations and such to help. But in the end I think it is the deciding to take it back that helps the most.

I think that is enough for tonight. Maybe in a few more months I will post again.

I have white hairs!! WOO HOO!!

I know, I know your HAPPY?!? Well excited is more like it. And I have no idea why.

I was driving with my 11yr old daughter, I rarely wear my hair in anything but a ponytail for normal everyday but I had washed my hair and until it dries I wear it down. This time I had gone out before it dried and so had it down all day.

We were in the car on our way to Forest Park. That was when my daughter happily pointed out that I have white hairs. When it is up in its pony tail you cant tell, but it was down. Unbelieving I said no... until she pulled one towards my face. I got all excited. I have white hairs. Yes not one, but a few. Woo hoo!!

Now I cant figure out exactly WHY I'm so happy about having white hairs. I will be celebrate my 40th birthday this year and so it should come as no shock that I have a few white hairs. But why am I so excited about it and want to shout it out to the world that I have some white hairs?

Anyone care to share some opinions? I'm at a loss.


Home again... FINALLY!!

My ex, theungoth, moved back to our home town with our daughter 1 year 4 months ago and since then I have been trying to get back there. Well finally I have made it. I was thrown out of my apartment in Colo Spgs, and thought to myself, self I might as well be homeless in St. Louis if I'm gonna be homeless at all. I have more support, my friends and family and MOST importantly my daughter in St. Louis. So in a matter of a week I moved some of my stuff, shed the rest and packed what I could into my car and moved back HOME!! Woo hoo!!! That being done, now what? That is a very good question. But I am here and working on the rest. :)